Writer shares experience, accepts help, overcomes challenges

Story by Jean Graves

Bayne-Jones Army Community Hospital

FORT JOHNSON, La. — September is suicide prevention month and wrestling my own demons for nearly two months recently got me thinking about how powerful those dark thoughts can be. How difficult it can be to move past a setback.

I’ve always been a “glass half full” person. A “bloom where you’re planted,” and “lemons to lemonade” type of gal, but an infection and injury the first week of August really got to me! Did I contemplate killing myself – no, I did not – but I did feel like a burden to my family, a nonproductive member of my team, and I was sad, all the time.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my mental health and the important role it plays in my own physical health and I wanted to put pen to paper to share my experience in hopes of helping others.

On Aug. 2, I got an infection in my right hand. I allowed my hand to swell so badly before seeking medical attention on Aug. 4, that it further exacerbated the situation, which I’m still dealing with today.

Armed with antibiotics and Motrin I tried to carry on as usual after my first trip to the emergency room. I guess I’m stubborn. I’m right-handed and tried to continue working and doing my normal daily duties with my left hand. The pain was almost unbearable. At one point, and during a fit of frustration and rage, I tore my meniscus and did a number on my ankle trying to get out of my Jeep.

Between my hand, knee, ankle and the subsequent swelling of most of my right side, I’ve spent the past two months laid up or at medical appointments. The injuries prevented me from doing many of the things I love. I haven’t been able to walk my dogs, cooking meals is difficult, and my garden shriveled up and died.

I got really, down.

I recall talking to my colleague who kindly inquired about how I was doing, and I started crying.

The simplest tasks: dressing, washing my hair, doing laundry, even petting my dog became arduous, difficult, and painful. I got tired of being asked how I was feeling because it made me angry; not because of them, but because of my own reaction to the questions. I got tired of hearing myself tell the tale. I felt like I was whining. I felt weak. I felt useless. I couldn’t do my job; I couldn’t take care of my home, my family, or my pets. I couldn’t do the things I wanted to do.

One day, while working from home in my pajamas, hair a dirty mess, leg elevated, propped up in my bed, I got an email from Capt. James Walker, hospital chaplain for Bayne-Jones Army Community Hospital.

Chaplain Walker sends a daily email to the entire staff at BJACH. This one, sent on Sept. 4 was entitled Word of the Day: Choosing Thoughts and read as follows:

“The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another,” William James. Being mindful of our thought patterns and consciously choosing positive and empowering thoughts can reduce stress and improve our overall well-being. By taking control of our thought processes, we can decrease anxiety and enhance our mental and emotional health. It’s important to recognize the power of our thoughts and intentionally maintain a positive mindset for a healthier well-being,” he wrote. “When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.” – Psalm 56:3.

I immediately replied, “easier said than done my friend.”

But it struck a chord, and it made me realize mind over matter. It got me thinking of the saying mental health is health and motivated me to change my thoughts.

I had to remind myself that I was injured and would recover. I have friends battling cancer and kidney failure, and I needed to put things in perspective.

I had to take a good long look in the mirror and figure out what I could do, instead of what I couldn’t do. And I had to live!

Struggling with my own feelings got me thinking more and more about suicide prevention and how hopeless one must feel to decide to end their own life. Asking for and excepting help can be very hard.

For me, I had to hire someone to clean my house, because I couldn’t. I had to hire someone to clean out my chicken coop. When my new neighbor asked me if there was anything she could do, I had to humbly ask her if she could cut my fingernails.

The installation director of psychological health, Lt. Col. Alexander Ragan, and I have worked together for the past three years trying to raise awareness about suicide prevention, engage the community about mental health resources, and the targeted care program.

Today, he wrote a message for a group that struck a chord. He said, “Suicides deeply impact everyone involved, Families, friends, and fellow Soldiers. It’s a heartbreaking and frustrating reminder of the silent battles we all face. The anger and grief we feel can sometimes be overwhelming, but it’s also an opportunity to remember that no one is alone. We all matter, and no one should ever feel like a burden.”

Ragan suggested that we can honor those we’ve lost by checking in with two people around us by ask them how they’re really doing and listen.

“If you’re struggling, reach out. Let someone know you need support,” he said “Together, we can make a difference. Connecting with one another strengthens us, reminding us that we’re part of something bigger. ‘Connect to protect’—we are always stronger together. Let’s keep looking out for each other.”

And he’s right.

I didn’t pull myself out the darkness alone.

My mom, my husband, my son, my friends, and coworkers checking on me made all the difference.

In the beginning, I didn’t realize it, but looking back on this journey and as I get better physically each day, I know it was my relationships that kept me going and helped me regain my positive mental attitude. Their love and concern for me, helped me get over myself and focus on my recovery.

Am I fully healed? Am I back to my old self? No, not yet, but I’m taking things day by day. I’m grateful for the people around me. I’ve put things in perspective, and I hope my words can help another person.

My pride has been my biggest obstacle, talking to the chaplain was my first step to getting my mind right. His word of the day opened an inner dialogue that got me thinking. Learning to lean on others, accepting their help and focusing on the future all helped me pull myself out of the darkness of my own thoughts.

For you, it might be a Military and Family Life Counselor, a confidant or family member. Our team in the BJACH Behavior Health department is always available to help or connect you to the resource best suited for you.

I can attest to the fact that we have a lot of wonderful and caring people in our community. There are a lot of resources available to us when we need it.

If you are struggling, be willing to accept help when offered, and don’t be afraid to ask for help occasionally .

If you don’t know where to turn call the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, stop by the BJACH Behavioral Health Department located on the 6th Floor of the hospital, visit the main post chapel, or ask to speak to an MFLC at Army Community Service.

The views expressed in this article do not necessarily reflect the views of Bayne-Jones Army Community Hospital, the Defense Health Agency, the United States Army, the Department of Defense, or the U.S. government.